Part I: The Mile High Club
Anyone considering joining this club please read this entry. This is how not to go about it. I have it from a knowledgeable source that it should only be tried in business class on international flights and on almost empty red eyes.
This particular debacle happened on board a packed flight in coach going to Salt Lake City, UT from Cleveland, Ohio (read kids, lots of kids and seniors on board).
Enjoy....
I first noticed him as we stood in line waiting in the aisle to take our seats. His girlfriend/wife was stuck with a heavy suitcase, and my husband offered to help her carry it. She declined. But this man, her boyfriend/husband turned around to look back. He gave her a big, wet, deep sloppy kiss - not unlike a cat rubbing against a piece of furniture marking it as his. I was immediately repulsed by him. His look, the kiss - everything about him was gross. The fact that this woman had to be subject to his attention aroused my sympathy for her. I tried not to stare.
The line moved along, and we all took our seats. The couple was two rows in front of us. About an hour into our flight, the man stood up. He was in the aisle seat. As he stood there in the aisle, he surveyed the rows behind him. He looked at my son, and then he looked over at me and, alas, he caught my eye. Ick. Ick. Ick. And then he did it again. He leaned over and gave another hideously long kiss to her. It went on a long time. When he stopped and stood up he looked flushed. I really felt bad for the woman now. What? Whenever this man wants to he can make her do his bidding?
O.K. This guy was definitely on my radar and now I covertly watched everything he did. And I managed to watch, from beginning to end, how "Mr. Bumbles" and "Miss Pillows" carried out their doomed plan to get a "quicky" on the plane.
Step 1:
Miss Pillows gets up to go to the bathroom. As she walks by, she nonchalantly smoothes her polyester dress down over her knee length spandex leotards.
There is no line for the bathroom so she steps in.
Step 2:
Mr. Bumbles gets out of his seat to go to the bathroom.
There is no line but there is trouble. Some other people get up and follow him to the bathroom. He lets people go ahead. Smart...don't want to be seen going into an occupied bathroom.
Miss Pillows still in her bathroom. People keep coming. Must be the beverages. There is a line now. They sure could use the bathroom Miss Pillows is in. Coach is down to one lavatory now.
I start timing the situation. Ten minutes goes by. Mr. Bumbles decides he has to go to the bathroom so he actually enters the empty one.
(My neck is aching now from looking backward so much.)
Step 3:
Just do it. My heart is beating with excitement as I know the moment of truth is about to happen. Everybody is gone. Miss Pillows is still in her compartment. Mr. Bumbles exits his potty and knocks on her potty door. He goes in. They are in there for awhile. In that time, a line has started again. This time, there is a teenage boy, a mother with her toddler in tow, a senior woman, and a woman in line. A dad with a baby comes up but leaves because it's taking too long. The teenage boy goes in the one empty bathroom and stays there a long time. The heat is on because nobody is leavng.
This is just so classic, and I am giddy with what will happen. They can't leave the bathroom.
I read body language. The women are talking. What's taking so long?
Finally, the teenager leaves and the mom with the child enters. That leaves the woman and the senior woman. This is where the quicky in coach plan collapses. Miss Pillows finally opens the door and tries to quickly close it behind her. The woman waiting for the bathroom lunges for the handle but has the door yanked out of her hand. The door slams shut. The woman literally grasps the door handle with both hands and starts yanking on it hard. The door is shaking but it won't open. She looks at the senior woman - obviously not grasping the situation - in cofusion. Finally, Mr. Bumbles gives up and comes out about a minute later. The woman makes a big silent O with her mouth and then covers it with her hand. He smiles sheepishly. The senior woman stares and then the fall-out starts.
Needless to say, Mr. Bumbles is truly disgusting now. He is sweaty. He takes his seat. Miss Pillows' shaking hand adjusts a stray strand of hair.
Now the woman is talking to the flight crew. She is pointing. They are talking. The back of the plane, where the woman sits, is craning to see who all did what. There are smiles.
And finally, the senior woman. It turns out she was seated directly across the aisle, one row back from him. She took her seat next to her husband and started to talk. She nodded in his direction. Her husband, all 6'2" of him, sat and openly looked at Mr. Bumble. The husband's face alternated between amusement, contemplation and disgust.
It was all very exciting. I was disappointed that it all ended. But, I was happy that I actually got to witness such an event as entry into the Mile High Club. I still felt very sorry for her. Her shaking hand seemd so fragile. But, at least he went away. He satisfied himself and kept low the rest of the time.
